The Covid-19 pandemic has been a grieving time for many of us.
I just gave a talk on Understanding Grief and in my research found that grief and joy are at opposite ends of a spectrum. It is rediscovering joy that helps one move through loss and grief.
An ancient sage wrote centuries ago that One would come, “to bestow on [us] a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning.”
So how do we return to joy after loss? Or in this pandemic?
In my talk, I introduced a “joy bucket” word picture. Dr. Allan Schore, a developmental neuroscientist, in his book The Development of the Unconscious Mind, describes how our “joy centre” develops in infancy, setting the stage for adult relationships, and how “we are wired for connection.”
“The future capacity to receive and express essential visual-facial social information is expressed in face-to-face communications, a central aspect of all later intimate relationships, and is dependent on caregiver-infant eye contact and visual gazing during early critical periods.”
Dr. Allen Schore, The Development of the Unconscious Mind
Joy is like the gas in our tank; we run out and we stall along life’s journey.
Here is my simplified but scientifically accurate way to picture this—a “joy bucket.”
We are created as infants, starting in the last 3 months of pregnancy, to begin to have “water” poured into our bucket through soft, loving voices, gentleness and even music (especially classical according to some research). Compare that to an unwanted pregnancy, where the infant may hear the unwelcome tone of, “No, not another one!”
Then at birth, the baby initially recognizes mom’s smell and voice, and soon by developing vision, right brain to right brain. In what developmental psychologists call “secure attachment,” a baby’s bucket fills with more water. Schore calls this “delight—I delight to see you.”
Again, with an impaired mother, or early adoption, the relationship is what they call an “insecure attachment.” These infants have less capacity (smaller) buckets as they start life.
Then throughout childhood, if the child’s basic core needs are met in healthy ways, the reserve of “water” in her bucket grows. In a perfect world, she would be launched into adulthood with an overflowing, full bucket. Like lots of gas in the tank.
Until a major loss.
Then suddenly, there is a hole in the bucket. The bigger the loss, the bigger the hole. Joy leaks away. Emotions such as sadness, fear, and maybe anger predominate. Grief sets in. Maybe depression. We may end in constant “fight or flight” mode where stress hormones flood our body, creating havoc.
In our bucket metaphor, we need to plug the hole and begin restoring the flow of water into the top. Here is where connecting to community and the “delight” of seeing the other is crucial to begin restoring joy.
I propose the Circles of Renewal and Growth.
Begin to regularly circle to each of the four core spheres of human need and pick up new rhythms and habits to refill your joy bucket. We talk about each of the 20 self-mastery skills in Defeating Dis-Ease 2.0.
Renewal and continued growth to meaning and greatness awaits you on the other side of grief and loss. Your bucket’s capacity will actually grow. Even if you are the one with childhood adversity and a “tiny” bucket, a healing journey will expand your bucket!
We now know this as “post-traumatic growth.”
If you are stuck, ask for help. Your family, co-workers, faith community … will be grateful you did.
Compassionately,
References:
The Holy Bible, Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)
Schore, Allan N.. The Development of the Unconscious Mind (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) (p. 130). W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.
Simon-Thomas, Emiliana. Does classical music make babies smarter. Greater Good Magazine.
