“Communication is the most important skill in life.”
Stephen R Covey, Author of the 7 habits of highly effective people
Loneliness is deadly. And loneliness is rampant, even before Covid. But it is worse now.
We humans are social creatures. We are wired for connection. We need relationships to fill our Social Circle in order to be healthy and resilient. Like “financial capital” where net worth equals assets (money in the bank) minus liabilities (loans we owe on), “social capital” is the sum of healthy life-giving relationships minus the toxic or absent ones.
To thrive, we need to build our social capital. And the “currency” of social capital is communication. Talking, writing, listening, and reading. And non-verbals. And even the “vibes” that neuroscientists attribute to our mirror neurons.
We need others to “delight” in us—to be genuinely happy to see us, to feel loved and cared for. That is one of the main ways that our “Joy Bucket” gets topped up. It is a basic human need.
Social recession
Author Noreena Hertz, in The Lonely Century, just released during the Covid-19 pandemic, shows how lonely we have become, long before the pandemic, but especially now. She calls it a “social recession.” We might think that it is just the elderly, but research has shown that it is especially the younger generations. You may have heard that in the UK, the prime minister has now appointed a Minister of Loneliness.
Not only does loneliness and lost connection cause us mental distress and illness, but physical illness and a shortened lifespan as well.
Canadian psychologist, Susan Pinker, wrote about that in her book, The Village Effect. You can watch her TED talk where she explains how “social integration” and close relationships have a larger impact on health and life expectancy than quitting smoking or exercising (see graph from her talk).
Seek first to understand
At least 51% of great communication is listening. In fact, it’s likely more.
When interviewed by The Harvard Gazette about the secret of their 73 years of marriage, Herman Chernoff, said of Judith, “I listen to her very closely.”
Stephen Covey made it Habit 5 of his famous The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Really listening for understanding. There are lots of other descriptions for it—empathic listening, active listening, reflective listening, incarnational listening. It is being able to truly hear someone from their perspective, their frame of reference, without judgement, and without planning a reply or rebuttal. It doesn’t mean you will automatically agree.
Covey lists 5 levels of listening, from poor to great:
- Ignoring – not really listening at all
- Pretending – “Yeah, Uh-huh. Right.”
- Selective – only parts of the conversation
- Attentive – paying attention but not really getting it
- Empathic – with intent to understand
With empathic listening, you listen not only with your ears, but also with your eyes and your heart. It is listening for feeling and for meaning. It is using your right brain as well as your left. You can rephrase what you heard to the speaker to be sure you heard their intent.
If there is lack of clarity, you ask thoughtful, probing questions. Or you say, “Tell me more.” Or, “Is there anything else you want me to understand?”
Avoid why questions. What is better. “What went into that decision?” is better than, “Why did you do that?”
And your non-verbals should show respect and attention—no eye rolling, crossed arms, or sighs.
When another person truly feels heard, it creates an incredible bond of connection. They feel validated and affirmed. You have made a large “deposit” in your “social capital account” with them.
Then to be understood
When it is your turn to give voice to your thoughts, feelings, or opinions, continue to be fully present. Many relationships get damaged by blurting out reactionary words, whether in person, or by text or email. Often without compassion or care.
Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
Brené Brown
When you need to be understood, remember the other person has better capacity to hear you when they are not in a state of fight or flight. There is literally a “brain block” when one is anxious or angry. That’s why you can’t reason with a child in the middle of a temper tantrum. So, often the first words need to be soothing. Or the timing may need to be better.
Sooth first
In a difficult conversation, particularly where the other person just attacked you, there is a very helpful disarming technique taught by Dr. David Burns, author of Feeling Good. He says to find a hint of truth in what the other person just said. Then say something like, “You’re right! I did ignore you, and I am sorry.” Then ask a leading question like, “Can we talk about how we can do better?”
Other safe leading phrases that Pete & Geri Scazzero teach in the Emotionally Healthy Relationships course are:
- “I am puzzled …”
- “May I ask for clarification … I think that you think ….”
- “May I confirm an assumption I have …”
Eliminate ambiguity
Tell the truth. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t leave out details that may actually leave the other guessing or confused; or mistaken.
In the end, people will appreciate forthrightness. Yes, your message may be painful, but even more if they realize you didn’t exercise integrity.
Deposits and withdrawals
Everything you communicate to another, in spoken word, or written in a post , text message, or email, will either be a deposit or a withdrawal in your “Social Capital Account” you have with another.
The key is keeping your accounts well in the black.
Here are some key deposits:
- Show delight when you see someone (let your face light up)
- Express gratitude and appreciation
- Be kind (please & thank you)
- Clarify expectations (and wait for agreement). Otherwise it is a only a hope.
- Keep commitments
- Apologize sincerely when you have made, or need to make, a withdrawal
You need community
Relationships and community are the antidote for loneliness. Marriage, friendship, work relationships, and faith community all take work and effort. But well worth it. We already saw that the Grant Harvard Men’s Study bore that out.
If you are stuck in toxic relationships, reach out for help. We have resources to help you establish boundaries and to help you with your own part of the brokenness.
Compassionately,
Dr. H. Visser
