“As a psychologist; as a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother; as an observer of my own and others’ behavior; and as an Auschwitz survivor, I am here to tell you that the worst prison is not the one the Nazis put me in. The worst prison is the one I built for myself.”
Dr. Edith Eger, psychologist and author of The Gift
When we allow the anger and bitterness of unforgiveness to fester in our soul, we build our own prison. There we suffer isolation, physical and mental illness, and spiritual deadness.
But a prison of our own making is as escapable as the building of it. Because we built it, we know the secret way out. Besides, we likely kept the key.
Like the proverbial fish who is surrounded by water and unaware what water is, you may have grown so accustomed to the walls of your own prison that you are not even aware that you are in one.
Let’s start our journey to freedom by checking our surroundings for prison bars.
How do you know if you are carrying offence and unforgiveness?
Anger
One of the signs that you are nursing a grievance and have a “root of bitterness” is anger. Rather than just an occasional outburst of anger, people likely peg you as an angry person. Anger likely forms a significant part of your shadow, or dark, side. You likely easily lose your temper, show impatience when things go wrong or if you have to wait, and your inner voice likely rehearses lines like, “You make me so mad!” Maybe you cuss a lot, under your breath or aloud.
Suppressed anger can result in loss of restraining self-control that results in actual physical aggression or violence. We see more than a fair share of hand fractures that we surreptitiously call a “boxer fracture,” from punching a wall. It is also known that those who were abused as children often become abusers themselves as adults
Angry people often broadcast their grievances through gossip or social media. A cause to fight injustice can also become an outlet for their anger, which can be good but sometimes out of balance.
Angry people often displace their anger. While they may have had a spat with a spouse, it is the kids that bear the brunt of the anger. Or anger from the workplace gets taken out at home.
Shame and numbing
Many hurting people who are harbouring offence and unforgiveness, and who have unprocessed trauma or incomplete grief, turn to numbing behaviours or substances. From alcohol, to drugs, to food, or work. Abused children assume wrongly they were to blame and suffer immense feelings of unworthiness and shame. Until the offences and traumas are processed, these feelings do not die, leading to the unhealthy coping strategies of addiction.
Compulsive overconsumption can of course in turn lead to all kinds of physical diseases including diabetes, liver cirrhosis, or chronic pain.
Isolation & depression
Many people who have built their own prison of unforgiveness didn’t learn to trust others as infants and children. In turn, as adults, they fail to trust others and so build self-protective walls around their hearts and isolate themselves. They don’t want to risk being hurt again. The isolation, with the suppressed anger and sadness, invariably leads to depression. The combination of protective walls and depression make intimate relationships very difficult and frustrating for the other partner.
Pride
Letting another person off the hook for the offence they caused you can appear cowardly or for some men, unmanly. This causes pride to rise up with lines like, “I will never forgive … so-and-so … after all they did to me …” Humility and admitting some part of the ongoing relational breakdown is then out of the question.
While humility and grace travel nicely together toward peace, pride and judgement are the eternal companions of conflict and heartache. Proud people demand justice and for them letting go is too big an injustice to satisfy their need for revenge.
Judging and blind spots
Many people may be familiar with the teaching of Jesus on the “plank and the speck.” He said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged … Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye. How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matt. 7:1, 3-5
Here is how John and Paula Sanford put it in Choosing Forgiveness:
“Focusing on someone else’s [wrongdoing] blinds us to our own failings and less responsible for the hurtful place we are in.”
John and Paula Sanford, Choosing Forgiveness
By focussing on other people’s faults, and by walking in unforgiveness and judgement, we fail to see our own shortcomings. Like they say, when you point your [index] finger at someone, three are pointing right back at you!
Not only are you blinded to your own failings, but as we saw last time, the very thing that you judge in another starts to show up in your own life, or loved ones, like a magnet. You sow judgement and unforgiveness and you will in turn reap judgement.
Triggers
People or circumstances that either consciously or unconsciously remind you of an offender may trigger a stronger emotional reaction in you than you expect. You, or the person who “triggered” you, may wonder, “Where did that come from?” Maybe something your husband said, or did, put you back in your childhood and your relationship with your dad. Or your female boss put you back in grade school with your old teacher.
Spiritual deadness
Neuroscientists now know that the right brain is best wired to encounter and connect to the transcendent Divine. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist herself, and author of My Stroke of Insight, tells her story here of suffering a stroke to the left side of her brain, leaving her right brain uninhibited. She experienced incredible, near death-like phenomena that left her a changed woman.
Unprocessed trauma, and the cognitive faulty beliefs invariably resulting from that, in particular beliefs of inadequacy or that you are unloved and unlovable, inhibits the right brain’s ability to connect to God, and to other people in your faith community. This is likely to arrest your spiritual growth.
Steps to forgiveness and freedom
Everyone who has ever tried to forgive another for serious hurts will admit how hard it is. And yet, survivors of horrendous abuses or crimes, like the Holocaust for example, do find the inner strength with help from On High, to forgive.
It was of course Jesus who first taught the radical idea of forgiving others in the Lord’s Prayer and in many of the stories that He told. And when one of His followers tried to pin Him down on some kind of a limit on how often you needed to forgive another, He famously answered, “70 times 7,” I suppose in essence saying unlimited.
Now, modern psychologists and therapists recognize the power of letting go and also help clients through the process. Like James and Friendman do in their book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. They describe forgiveness as “giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday.” They quote the dictionary definition: “To cease to feel resentment against (an offender).”
Forgiveness is to relinquish the expectation of being paid back for your loss(es), so excusing the “debt” they owe you, and releasing any judgement, punishment and ill-will you have conjured up for them.
As we previously wrote, it does not condone or trivialise the offence. Nor does it replace the legal or justice system. There may still be legal or corrective ramifications through the laws of the land.
Step one – recognize & acknowledge your need
Being self-aware and recognizing that what you are suffering, or the relationships that aren’t working, are likely rooted in unprocessed trauma and unforgiveness is the first key. There may be a lot of reasons you are blinded to this. Suppression of these painful memories has likely been a learned coping strategy since childhood. We already noted the numbing choices you may have adopted as well, to keep the pain at bay.
Take note in particular of things or people that “trigger” you in unexpected ways.
Frequently, when you enter therapy, or marriage counselling, the unprocessed trauma and unforgiveness will begin to come to light. Be open to receive truth and relinquish your pride or need to be “right.”
Step two – turn to wonder
Allow yourself to wonder what led the perpetrator to their choices. Almost always, the circumstances of their childhood were outside their own choices. In all probability, they were abused or neglected.
In her wonderful and powerful book, A House in the Sky, Amanda Lindhout began to understand the circumstances of her captors in Somalia, young men radicalised by their faith and their elders. This empowered her ability to forgive them for the horrendous kidnapping and abuse that she endured for 460 days in captivity.
Step three – desire & choose to relinquish the debt owed you
After you acknowledge your need, and have turned to wonder, you must choose to let it go. Admit that it is hard and seek strength from On High. Anyone in a twelve step program will recognize the need for their Higher Power. For Christ followers, you can draw strength from so many of the teachings of Jesus in the Gospels, and from the writings of the Apostles as well. Recognize that because you are much forgiven, you in turn CAN forgive your offender.
This choice is just you (likely with a trusted counsellor, clergy or friend) and you do not involve the perpetrator here.
Step four – a verbal declaration
Speaking and/or praying a verbal declaration such as, “I forgive (so and so) for (name the offences one by one),” is very powerful. Here are a couple of sample declaration/prayers that you can use.
A written declaration or letter that is read aloud to the counsellor who “stands in” for the offender is also a technique that is powerful for closure. This letter should be detailed with the offences and hurts spelled out. No language should be spared and it is neither about grammar or guarded language. Best to let it all loose.
We call this declaration or prayer the “legal transaction.” It is an action and not a feeling. You are relinquishing your right be to be paid back for your loss. Since the offender can’t, or won’t, pay you for your loss, you are excusing the debt and marking it “paid.”
The verbalization out loud, as well as writing it out, involves more brain areas than just saying it to yourself silently, and begins a process of reintegration and rewiring of your brain.
Step five – emotional release
The emotional release often takes time as suppressed anger must bubble to the top to be released. The written letter above is a start.
Here are some other techniques that you can use.
Speaking aloud to a photograph of the offender, particularly if they are deceased. Once again, the goal is to vent. Similarly, visiting the gravesite of a deceased offender is effective. For many, prior visits to a gravesite may have triggered anger or a desire to “pee on their grave.” Now, you are venting, as well as releasing their indebtedness.
This type of venting should never be done face to face if the offender is still living. Nor do you even need to write or say to them that you have forgiven them. Many times it will be a shock that you were in fact still carrying offence or that they even hurt you to begin with. Generally, more harm is done than good.
Physically dispel your pent up anger. We hear of different methods of doing this. Going into the woods and chopping down a tree. Using a baseball bat and whacking a sapling tree or something flexible enough not to break. A pillow. A punching bag. An inflatable.
A fitness instructor or physical therapist who is familiar with mind-body work can also help you with pent up physical energy release, and then teach muscle relaxation techniques.
There are also breathing and meditation techniques that help with this stage.
And you will likely need to forgive yourself as well, and exercise self-compassion. You have likely carried some blame yourself or be ashamed of your hardness of heart in holding out.
Step six – possible reconciliation
Reconciliation may be possible, but not always. Minimally, it should be your ability to think well of the offender, and as a person of faith to pray blessing for them and their families. Do not be tempted to holdout for repayment of financial obligations as that will probably not be within their means. However, if you held back on your own obligations toward them, you should repay them without fanfare if that is within your means. Similarly, small tokens of appreciation such as remembering their birthdays, or sending flowers for Mother’s Day, are deposits that can start to rebuild a broken relationship.
Once again, a reminder that forgiveness does not equal trust or safety. That must be earned as evidenced by the offender’s transformed life, if in fact they are on that journey.
If reconciliation happens and a once broken relationship can be repaired, what a blessing. Cherish it and nurture it til death do you part.
Conclusion
Forgiveness is so worth it. For you. For your faith and your spiritual journey. For your current relationships in your family, your workplace and your place of worship.
If you have reached a barrier or a wall, please reach out. It is our sincere desire to see you set free and to thrive in your God-given destiny.
Read heart warming stories of forgiveness. Check out the authors mentioned in these two posts. You will also find interviews by searching Youtube or Podcasts. Here is a link to a heartwarming interview between Brené Brown and Edith Eger (the 93 year old Holocaust survivor in the opening quote).
Compassionately,
