Learning to say “yes” to the good. And “no” to the bad.
Knowing where you as a person “begin” and “end.” Who and what you are responsible for, or not.
This important self-mastery skill is learning and keeping your boundaries.
What is a boundary?
Think of your boundary as an invisible property line around your personhood. Like the property line of your yard that runs between the four survey pins at the corners of your lot. This is exactly the word picture that Havalah Cunnington uses to describe your boundaries in her really great book, I Do Boundaries.
Your yard. Everything in it is yours, and your responsibility. Your grass is yours to cut. Not your neighbour’s. Upkeep of your house. Same, your responsibility. Unless you are asked to help your neighbour, his or her house is not yours to maintain.
So, in your real life, what is in your “yard?”
We can illustrate that with the circles we have been using throughout these posts, and the website.
What’s in, and what’s out?
Your body, represented by the red circle, and its care. Your behaviour. What you put in your mouth. Your speech, what comes out.
Your soul, or psyche, represented by the blue circle. Your emotions. Your beliefs and values. Choices. Your motivation.
Your spirit, represented by the gold circle, which separates you as a human from the animal kingdom. Your relationship with God and your identity. Your spiritual disciplines.
Around the edges in white is your interpersonal space. We have been taught now during Covid to maintain 6 feet, but before Covid, people of different ethnicities were very comfortable with quite different distances of interpersonal space. Hop on a bus in some countries and you will see.
Responsibility for your own personal growth and development is in your yard.
Your gifts and talents, and your job are in your yard, as is your schedule and time management.
“If you don’t plan your time, someone else will help you waste it.”
Zig Ziglar
Another illustration – the hula hoop
Everything inside the hoop is within your boundary and as an adult, your responsibility. What you are responsible for. The outer limit of the hoop is where you interface with the important people in your life and your environment. Your relationships, your workplace, your neighbourhood. These are those you are responsible to.
Why are boundaries important?
Healthy boundaries are health promoting. They should be neither impenetrable such as a wall, nor so flimsy that anyone can walk right into your “yard” to pluck your fruit or make a mess! Just like ancient city walls, they are meant to keep you safe.
Your boundary is where you interface with all those in your social sphere (your green social circle. Healthy boundaries are a key to living and loving well in community.
Unhealthy boundaries are a setup for relational difficulties, burnout, workplace conflict, and unhealthy leadership. Bullies love people with flimsy boundaries because they can never hear the word, “No.” Immature adults who don’t take responsibility, love it when their parents, significant other, co-worker, or neighbour takes responsibility for their stuff or tasks.
Recognizing your unhealthy boundaries
Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend introduced the concept of boundaries back in 1992 with their landmark book, Boundaries: When to Say YES, How to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life. An updated and expanded edition was released in 2017 and is a highly recommended resource.
Do you recognize yourself or a loved one in the following four possible scenarios?
Here are some questions to help you recognize where your boundaries may be unhealthy:
- Are you bullied or controlled (at work, at home, at school, your youth group, your faith community)?
- Might you be that bully?
- Do you carry other people’s burdens to the extent that you are burning out (empathic overload or “burden bearing”)?
- Do you overfunction for a significant other in your life (do for them what they can and should do for themselves)?
- Are you that under-functioner who as an adult cannot take responsibility for your own yard?
- Are you in a codependent (or so-called “enmeshed”) relationship where your help enables the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor mental or physical health?
- Are you so shut down that no one can get close to you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to work on your boundaries.
“In the codependent relationship, the helper’s emotional enmeshment leads them to keenly feel the other’s struggles and to feel guilt at the thought of limiting their help or terminating the relationship. This motivates them to reduce the other’s suffering (and their own) by continued helping and makes them quick to back off of any limits they set.”
Dr. Shawn M. Burn, Psychology Today
Time to repair your “fence”
Here are some practical steps to help you learn and begin to keep healthier boundaries. Be aware, however, that when one person in a codependent or overfunctioning relationship begins to to exercise limits, that other person’s life will likely go topsy-turvy. It is very likely that you will need professional help to navigate what could become very troubled waters in the relationship.
- Learn to say “NO!” to overcommitment, overfunctioning, the controller, or toxic person in your life;
- Clarify your expectations of others and wait for an agreement (without agreement your expectation is a hope);
- Recognize ( and the stop) what you are doing for others (adult children, significant other, roommate, workmate), what they can and should do for themselves);
- If you suffer from empathic overload ( a “burden bearer” who carries other people’s emotional load in an unhealthy way), get professional help as your “joy bucket” can easily run dry;
- If you are in a codependent or enmeshed relationship get professional help because the entanglement can run deep in both of you;
- Recognise and learn your God-given limits, strengths and talents (we will explore your need for rest & the ancient practise of “Sabbath” in a future post).
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Jesus, Matt. 11:28-30 (MSG)
Next steps
Take Havalah Cunnington’s on-line course, I Do Boundaries and get her excellent book.
Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries book is the classic reference and available for only $ 8.99 on Kindle, or as an audiobook on Audible.ca (and of course in paper).
Need professional help? IHTC can help. Contact us.
Want to run a Boundaries Course in your workplace, youth group, faith group, school, professional development day. We can provide it on a series of evenings, a weekday, or a weekend. Please contact us.
Need a keynote speaker on Boundaries for your event? We can do. Contact us.
Wishing you success and God’s help in establishing your boundaries,
