The Freedom of Forgiveness

Unforgiveness and offence are a root cause of much human suffering.  Not only does it destroy relationships and cause wars, it also sickens our bodies and causes mental illness.  And it deadens us spiritually.

So learning to forgive others from the heart is necessary for all of us.  But it’s HARD.  And seems so unjust.  Like C.S. Lewis wrote, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”

But people do gain the strength from On High to forgive what may have been horrendous offences or abuses.  Their stories do inspire us.  Like Holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom who came face to face with her Nazi oppressor who had murdered her sister Betsie.  You can listen to her moment of forgiveness on a YouTube video here.

What is offence?

The simplest definition is a wrong done to you by another or others.  It caused a hurt, or an injustice.  It may have been a betrayal by someone you trusted or confided in.  Hurts could be physically traumatic such as being beaten or sexually abused.  It may have been words that cut you down or shamed you.  A boss that criticised your work in front of your colleagues.  

Sometimes the wrong is to a close loved one, a spouse murdered or a daughter abducted. That is even worse than our own hurts.  

And there might be the offence that resulted from something withheld from you by another or others.  This resulted in an unmet need, want, or dream.  Maybe your father left the family leaving you fatherless.  Maybe your boss overlooked you for a promotion.  

Sometimes the offence is based on the belief that you were treated unjustly.  Beliefs can be just as strong as actual hurts, and just a damaging to your well-being.

An offence always results in a “debt” owed to you by the offender or offenders.  Minimally, it might be the apology that you expect.  In most cases, the “debt” that is owed is some kind of compensation or restitution for the loss.  You want to be paid back for your loss.  

The closer the relationship of the offender, the larger the “debt.” So, if the hurt is at the hands of a spouse or romantic partner, a father or mother, a best friend, a co-worker, or sibling, the offence and resulting “debt” will be perceived as much bigger than if the offender is relationally more distant.  

Unforgiveness is when you hold out for “payment” of the “debt.” Here is where the toxic emotions such as anger, resentment, hatred, and revenge become so destructive. As long as the offender owes you the “debt,” you judge them “guilty” of their intent to harm, as well as their character and integrity. As the judge, you demand justice and wish to see them punished until they pay their “debt.” You imprison them in your mind. 

The irony of course is that they are merrily on their way, but it is YOU in prison. You are the one carrying the “debt.”

“Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”

Corrie ten Boom

Why is unforgiveness so toxic?

Unforgiveness is toxic because it invariably results in unrelenting anger and sadness.  

When these two emotions predominate, often suppressed below the surface, they cause the limbic system of the brain to be in a constant state of fight or flight.  This in turn has effects on one’s mental and physical health through the pain system, the immune system, and the hormone system.  Cortisol levels become chronically elevated.  Pain increases.  The immune system either over or under performs its normal duties to keep us healthy. Conditions like fibromyalgia, eating disorders and addictions result. And as we saw in a recent post, systemic chronic inflammation.

There is a pithy oft repeated saying that unforgiveness is you drinking poison and hoping that the other person, your offender, will die. Well, medically it is true that you are hurting yourself.

Another reason unforgiveness is toxic is because there is frequently unfinished grief.  Whether the offender is passed on, or still alive, the relationship loss must be grieved well to what James and Friedman call “completion” in their fantastic book, The Grief Recovery Handbook.  They write,

“Any memorised resentment of past events will limit and restrict our ability to participate fully in life.”

James & Friedman, The Grief Recovery Handbook

Thirdly, unforgiveness is toxic because trauma remains unprocessed.  This results in poorly integrated brain circuits as well as the brain body connection.  It is now well established that unprocessed trauma, in particular childhood trauma, has significant effects on adult health and well-being.  Part of healing and processing these traumas is revisiting them with a trusted counsellor or therapist, and letting go of the offence.  

And lastly, holding out as a judge and jury toward your offender also puts the law of sowing and reaping in motion. Jesus taught in Matthew 7:1-2, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Similarly, Paul also taught the same principle in Romans 2:1, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”

The very thing that you judge in another starts to show up in your own life, or loved ones, like a magnet. You sow unforgiveness and you will in turn reap unforgiveness.

Finding freedom through forgiveness

Forgiveness is when you relinquish your expectation, and demand, for payment of the “debt” the offender “owes” you.  It is a decision to let it go.

It was of course Jesus who radically introduced the concept and practise of forgiveness.  In the Lord’s Prayer, He taught us to “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”  The reason Jesus could teach us to forgive is because He in fact paid our debts in His death on the cross.  As we are forgiven of our own debts (or wrongdoing), we in turn can forgive those who have wronged us. Our own freedom from God’s judgment is called grace. Philip Yancey’s book, What So Amazing About Grace, is a highly recommended read to learn more. It is full of true inspiring stories of forgiveness.

Many people confuse forgiveness with condoning wrong. They are not the same. Forgiveness in no way condones wrong by saying it was OK. Nor does it replaces the legal justice system. But you are no longer the judge and you give that over to God, the righteous Judge.

Nor does forgiveness mean you can trust the offender or lower your boundaries. Trustworthiness must be re-earned and may take time. Evidence of transformation in the offender must always precede restored trust. We at IHTC will never recommend an abuse victim to return to their abuser when the danger of re-offence still exists.

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More to come in Part 2 of this two part series where we will examine ourselves for evidence of unforgiveness and go through the actual practical steps of forgiving another. 

Meanwhile, watch Youth Pastor Colby’s fantastic message on forgiveness here (his talk starts at 1:07:00 in).  

Compassionately,